Being Bipolar Sucks

Chantix For Smoking

2008-05-12T14:11:00.000-07:00

So I am taking Chantix to stop smoking and it's actually helping (I took it from my grandma's house after she died... a little morbid, I know)

Sometimes I get a little down and I think
Shit...my life sucks and I am a loser and my life is a fucking downer

Other times I feel like the goof balls in the Discovery Channel's new commercial

"I Love the World"

KIDS and DOGS don't mix with dinner

2008-05-06T21:53:00.000-07:00

My kids, I have four of them, are completely insane tonight
They were singing Mexican fiesta type songs at dinner
The teenager, god bless her, joined us in a burping contest
The boy, as I like to call him, decided to pummel his younger sister
the table actually fell over, food and all.
And I just laughed and concentrated on burping through a straw into my fruity punch. ( It makes cute little bubbles)

The dog, Amy, ran in excited by the commotion and the fact that the floor was littered
with food particles..... she's already too fat I thought as I watched the scene that was going on right in front of me.
Green peas flew into the air and the dog actually caught a few midair (good dog :) )

I just concentrated on burping into my straw and pretended that none of this was going on .

Gynecologists

2008-05-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

So we have all gone to the gyno, we've all felt a little uncomfortable with that COLD device.
We have all heard remarks we wish we hadn't heard
We've all counted the tiles on the ceiling

My thought is this:
Go to the gyno
get a hit of pot
lie down on the table
and have porn playing on the ceiling
At least we would have a little fun!!!

Some funny Dr remarks: http://www.radaronline.com/features/2008/04/gynecologists_exams_funniest_comments_01.php

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

2008-05-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

Death Sucks....and it fucks with ALL aspects of your life, just when you think everything is OK,
SPLAT! you are hit in the face with more shit to deal with.

Highway to Hell

2008-05-01T12:54:00.000-07:00

Basically I just think it would be hilarious if Santa Claus Died

Deathly Mysteries... finally answered

2008-04-30T21:42:00.000-07:00

We, my family and I, had to deal with a steady stream of well wishers yesterday and today. People came from everywhere… people who loved my grandma….
The fascinating part was that there was NO stereo type, they were young, old, men, woman, rich and poor.
This just shows how NON judgmental my grandma is.
Sadly she died today, but it was not in pain, nor was it agony… It was the most peaceful experience I have witnessed.

We were at home with our family, someone was constantly with her… we were home, her home.
At the end…she gracefully took a gentle breath which was longer than usual and then another and then she kinda “played” with her tongue and then she was gone.
The beautiful part was that we were there….. Her daughter (my mom) her three grandchildren (including me) two great grandkids (out of 10) and my amazing dad, we watched her go and there was a slight smile on her face as we silently wept.

There IS more out there after you pass…I just know it!

I have to say….. Hospice is amazing! We could not have handled any of this without the help of Hospice

THANK YOU HOSPICE!!

Death and Guilt

2008-04-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

I wonder, as I sit here facing death, if everybody beats themselves up over guilt.
Guilt is a pesky emotion that can overrule all other emotions,
it attacks your ability to love in an unconditional way,
and it interferes with the ability to accept …

It basically interferes with everything.

I don’t say this today because I am suicidal, depressed, or manic…. I say this because as I sit in the hospital watching my grandma die, I beat myself up because of things that I did a long time ago.

I beg for forgiveness

Rather than letting my love and appreciation shine through, I once again focus on the negative

Bears Will Be Bears

2008-04-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

What the F?
Of course the bear bit the trainer!
These poor creatures are taught to “act” like a movie star
And when they act like a bear, their lives are threatened…
It’s sickening It makes me want to bite the miserable owner right in the jugular.

Fu*king Hollywood!

Join Peta.org to help the animals

Thursdays

2008-04-24T18:01:00.000-07:00

Thursday is the most confusing day of the week for me...
It's on Thursday that I experience the most anxiety....
The most ups and downs are always on Thursday
The grain of the wooden floor bugs me on Thursday

Thursdays Suck!

Homicidal Rages

2008-04-23T20:30:00.000-07:00

I was granted temporary sanity today… I woke before the kids… .rare. The kids were surprised by my smoothie making abilities this morning and I even managed to slip in some roasted flax seed into the smoothies.
I kissed them goodbye and sent them off to school. I’m such a good mom!
I made love to my boyfriend without any weird feelings; I’m such a good girlfriend!
I visited my grandma, she’s 89 and dying…..I’m such a good granddaughter!

By 12 noon I had to fight off my homicidal urges
as I made my way home in Los Angeles traffic

I intended to go home and clean the house and do laundry, you know, mom stuff.
But the traffic put me into such a HOMICIDAL RAGE that I ended up spending the day in my shrinks office refusing to leave the comfort of his old leather couch…. The police came…Again… and ripped me off of the couch so that the Dr could go home to his disgustingly beautiful wife and his perfect kids.

This is a typical day in my Bipolar life

Tales from the psych ward

2008-04-21T08:10:00.000-07:00

June 2007- Los Angeles

Checks!!

That’s what they do, the nurses, every twenty minutes “checks” you’re in the shower and “checks” what is with them? They stick their beady eyes around the corner and “checks” and then head counts. I decided that if I was in a “nut house” I might as well act like a nut case. I sat beneath the nurses’ station and barked and I refused to get up

BARK!!

Oh, that’s fun! I began to wonder what I could do…..something, anything I could control….
all my rights had been taken away. Meds had frozen my brain and numbed my thoughts, All I did was BARK, DROOL, and cut my skin. I understood the barking….and the skin cutting was a necessity, it kept me alive inside, let me feel.

Hmmm I wondered how long I could hold my bowels. What if I lost control of my bowels and it was everywhere, would anybody even notice? Let alone help me clean up? I think I will try that tomorrow.

BARK

DROOL

“CHECKS”

This place stinks!

A commotion!
A man was thrown into the quiet room because he refused to take his meds, the rest of us were led outside to “exercise” what a crock of shit! We all went out to smoke…..we lined up single file to get our cigarettes lit, oh… god forbid they trust us with a lighter for half of a second. The “exercise” yard was concrete with huge cages up the sides and even over the tops of us; a lovely chain link ceiling. We were allowed outside every two hours for 20 minutes, but not until we were lightly frisked first. The rest of the time was spent in the lounge which consisted of an orange couch repaired ever so lovingly with duct tape and a giant braided rug on the floor with many different shades of brown and rust. There was a TV mounted on the corner wall which was always stuck on a fuzzy strange channel and the volume was incredibly high. Truly that room was a Smörgåsbord for the eyes. At six pm we had “food” I cannot elaborate because my mind has erased that miserable memory of rubber stuff that you were supposed to chew and swallow which was intended to fill your stomach.

Anyway…..

We then we were shuffled back to our rooms, Men on the right women on the left, lightly frisked again and then allowed through a steel door that locked behind each patient only to be re-opened again for the next. My roommates were an interesting mix of large women, except for “K” the suicidal anorexic that walked around naked, slept naked, worked out naked, she did EVERYTHING naked!

7:15 “Checks”

Shit those nurses were driving me crazy. I tried to write, I tried to read….my mind a wandering, mangled up, soupy, slushy mess! Cutting is good, keeps me focused.

8:00 pm “Checks”

Another roommate, for lack of creativity, we’ll just call her Sally. She cut her whole finger off! We sat cross legged on the floor and looked at it. She pushed it towards me with her bloody stump, what’s strange to me is that I picked it up and examined it, Even stranger, was her lack of pain or shock. The meds really did a job on her. The sad thing was that she was very smart, a med student who just couldn't’t take anymore and ended up sitting crossed legged with a barking, drooling, idiot who examined her chopped off extremity. I think I liked “Sally”

8:20 pm “checks”

Four roommates in a small room, all of us equally disturbed, in one way or another. “Sally, “K” “myself and the “other “ we were all there for our own reasons, we barked, we drooled, we walked around naked, we cut off our extremities and we wondered if we had bones under our elephant style skin. Yes, we were different but we were all quite the same sharing a small space in time.

The full moon, my period and death

2008-04-19T20:02:00.001-07:00

8:02 pm
I finally got my period, thank god because this crying bullshit
and never ending thoughts of death are really cutting into my nearly
non- existent social life...

I honestly don't know how anybody even deals with me anymore.

So, now I am almost five pounds heavier than I was last week, I have blood running down my legs onto the beautifully just mopped wooden floor which has a width of precisely 84 planks and the length varies between 137 planks to 138....

Which makes absolutely no sense to me.

Perhaps I should just blame this day on the full moon.

My big fat swollen eyes

2008-04-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

Last night I cried for a few hours, it felt good... I mean it felt fucking fantastic!

But when I woke up today my eyes were so swollen from all the crying that I had to go to my kids soccer games with huge sunglasses and a hat.

Oh, I cheered like a good mother, but my mind wandered to a time when my boobs were undeveloped and I lacked any hair on my private parts. I remembered a time
when I doubted if I had bones and I cut my skin, just to make sure I had bones.

I wonder if I have bones
A sharp edge
Pushing …
Against my elephant skin
Blood
Yes, there it is… the blood
Red…
Warm…
Alive…
Pushing harder
Where are the bones?
Pushing harder….
A compulsion

**I found the above in a shoebox of stuff I had written during middle school

To pee or not to pee

2008-04-18T13:25:00.000-07:00

I decided that today was the perfect day to see how long I could go without peeing
It took five hours and 11 minutes until I wet myself

That is a new record for me
I am pleased.

April 17th, 8:02 pm

2008-04-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

I have an un-ending amount of questions today.

I have counted the wooden planks of the floor of this old house
I find that no matter how many times I have counted them... the number is always different
And...
It's driving me nuts
It's the OCD
Last time this happened I woke up shackeled to a hospital bed and forced to pee into a urinal.
I'm scared

April 17th, 2008 cont.....

2008-04-17T14:28:00.000-07:00

Yep, I didn't make it to work today
However, I did manage to visit my grandma in the hospital
I am debating where to start...

My story
Everything has been a gigantic cluster fuck in my life
Molested by the deen of students at 14
An abortion at 17
An abusive husband
Four kids
Loving parents
Three failed marriages
and now... an amazing boyfriend
Have a finally found peace?

We just had sex....
Sex is so important, and so confusing all at the same time....
Physically it's great, fantastic, and feels so good.

I still struggle though, that dark part of my head still feels guilt for enjoying it.
Sometimes it sucks to be me!

April 17th, 2008

2008-04-17T08:28:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning thinking about going to work...
I have managed to get by, jumping from one job to another
I seem to stumble, can't keep a job for too long

The freaking kids are driving me insane today, some days they don't bug me
but the constant fighting has the hair on my arms dancing...
I am feeling very irritable today.
I have to poo
I think I will claim food poisoning and skip work today...

April 16th...the Day After Taxes are Due

2008-04-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

OOPS!
I fucked up again, I swore to myself that I would get my taxes done this year....
But I was just too damn pissed off at the world yesterday
So I got into my car and drove to the desert to collect rocks, what a freaking waste of time
These are the things I do...
I drive to the desert to collect rocks with only five dollars in my pocket
I have dogs to feed
A grandma in the hospital and
A teenager on the road

A knife in my pocket and a bucket full of rocks

This is my Bipolar life...sometimes it's great and sometimes it just SUCKS!!